ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids