ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

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My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.


Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.


*watching news report of zombie apocalypse*
Me: This is great. No work today!


You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.


I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.


“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago