@mjkspeaks

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

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@mommajessiec

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@Playing_Dad

*watching news report of zombie apocalypse*
Me: This is great. No work today!

@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

@pleatedjeans

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

@YikYakApp

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago