ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
You Might Also Like
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.