me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
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Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
This is amazing.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
best first i’ve ever seen
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.