Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
You Might Also Like
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.