@stephenjmolloy

Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.

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@VodkaThursday

U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall

@ArtfulNight

In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.

@ThisOneSayz

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

@lazerdoov

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

@SteveSuckington

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

@patsajak

Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.