me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
