Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.