me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

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My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.


garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please


*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head


I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.


Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!

Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.


I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters



So what’s a personal strength?


And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”


Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?



Wife: so what’s this episode about?