@aotakeo

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

You Might Also Like

@lmwortho

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

@linkindrinkin

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

@stacieooooo

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

@envydatropic

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

@JannaKillHimNik

Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!

Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.

@imdaintyaf

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

@Laser_Cat

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

@NewDadNotes

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?