My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
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garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!
Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
So what’s a personal strength?
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo