me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.


Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious


Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …


Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.


I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…


2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say


Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.


Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym


Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.


If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.