Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
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OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Pat is about to own someone
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.