Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
You Might Also Like
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.