@gruffybeard

Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.

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@bombsydoll

dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.

@juliussharpe

I don’t get why everyone talks so fast in old movies. What was the hurry? There was nothing to do back then.

@TheFearBoners

So PSY’s song “Dear American” includes the lyric “Kill them all slowly and painfully” and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.

@JohnLyonTweets

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

@10InchesPlus

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

@Dustinkcouch

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

@LittleMissAngr1

You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.