dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.
Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*
Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?
[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]
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I don’t get why everyone talks so fast in old movies. What was the hurry? There was nothing to do back then.
So PSY’s song “Dear American” includes the lyric “Kill them all slowly and painfully” and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
No. I’m not pregnant.
That’s my liver.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.