8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
me irl
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997