@ShootyDoody

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

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@AristotlesNZ

Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.

@funflaps

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

@QwertyJones3

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

@Donnie_Fairburn

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

@negapark

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

@stephenjmolloy

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.