Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Her: So what do you do?
Me: As little as possible.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?