Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
You Might Also Like
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Breaking news:
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day