ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.