me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.


*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon


A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.


shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie


Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?


Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.


I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.


Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat