ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
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Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Trying
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.