me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

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So we need to go over your drug history…

Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.


@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.


Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.


Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.


Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug


Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.


Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.


Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”