@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

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@SukaSycho420

So we need to go over your drug history…

Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.

@KLC47

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

@Sirrruh

Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.

@Darlainky

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

@OMGSoOverIt

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

@TheGladStork

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

@HatfieldAnne

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”