me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Effort made
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.