@iwearaonesie
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@clindsaysway
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
@SukaSycho420
So we need to go over your drug history…
Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.
@KLC47
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
@Sirrruh
Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
@Darlainky
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
@OMGSoOverIt
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and thatβs a shame.
@TheGladStork
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
@HatfieldAnne
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”