@RobbyActually

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

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@ericsshadow

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

@SadieSmithRoks

Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

@FredTaming

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

@shariv67

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

@Vandalyzm

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

@BunAndLeggings

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

@amydillon

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

@copymama

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.