Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK