Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Baller is short for ballerina
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*orders delivery*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought