Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

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Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it’s clearly a peanut butter and jelly

Wife: did you just call me “waitress”?


if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”


Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.


Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?


[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?


Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan



It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt


How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?


My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.