me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries