me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
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Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
rise and shine we got egg
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.