[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Donkey Kong sommelier
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Hamburger Hinderer.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]