Me: Wanna go out?

Her: You’re not Black

Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.

Her: …

Me: That’s not why you like them?

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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.


I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts


Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.


Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.


Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
Me: This is a suit
B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
*puts nugget in bouncer’s pocket
*pats it
M: We good?
B: Have fun, sir


If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.


If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:

– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female


When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.


My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.


Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.