me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
jesus, what did this guy do
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.