Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
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Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit