Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
me
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I have so many questions.