It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
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Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
F: Really into Craft Beer.
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.