me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
You Might Also Like
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants