@clichedout

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

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@juliussharpe

It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.

@professorkiosk

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

@pilau

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

@MiddlingMs

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

@ShootyDoody

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

@shegotagronk

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

@AndyAsAdjective

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

@QwertyJones3

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@mommajessiec

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.