me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me