Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.