Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
✌️
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Who.
Did.
This?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.