Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.