Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
A Short Story.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
i love meeting boys on tinder