@TheMichaelRock

Me: Wanna role play?

Wife: Sure ๐Ÿ˜‰

Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

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@Hormonella

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

@TheDiLLon1

1) Find short Irish guy
2) teach him to rap.
3) Become manager. Name him Leprechaunye West
4) wait for $ to roll in

@LizHackett

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

@thenatewolf

Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot

@AmishPornStar1

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@capnmcfword

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

@bgdadyspnkbtm

Her: I have a crush on you.

Me: Give it a day or two…it will pass.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what