ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
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{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.