@mortimermaiden

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

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@krisv_723

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

@Smooheed

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

@rockymomax

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

@Shenanigans_luv

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

@possibilyss

You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.

@apok842

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

@OtherDanOBrien

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine