Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

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Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.


*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?


I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…


[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?


Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now


You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.


You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.


[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine