Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Xylophonist Shredding It
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Care for your back
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.