Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
A classic…
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know