If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?
[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]
Me: We have a rat problem.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
me: wait for what
It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*