Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

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[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism


No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s


The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.


I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.


I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.


*buys soap on a rope

Cashier: Paper or plastic?

Me: Neither.. I’ll wear it out thanks


I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.