Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Batman v Dracula
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
three things we don’t talk about
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?