Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
We avoided this particular disaster
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel