Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?

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Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret


[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]


Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented


*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*


So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.


If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.


Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*


*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*


My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.


If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.