@thatUPSdude

Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?

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@kentgrossarth

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

@SamuelHLowe

Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

@SvnSxty

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

@Mom_Overboard

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

@WilliamAder

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

@Dmvm1977

Whenever I’m feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits.

Today I’m writing my bosses obituary.

@rockymomax

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

@IvoryGazelle

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

@ArfMeasures

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal