@thatUPSdude

Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?

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@TheCareBare

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

@LoriLuvsShoes

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

-asking for a friend

@pimecorp

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

@IfIwassomething

I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

@_ElvishPresley_

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

@shkeeber

Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

@AndrewNadeau0

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*