Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: Want some of my nachos?
Coworker: I don’t like nachos.
Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?
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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.