‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Me: Want some of my nachos?
Coworker: I don’t like nachos.
Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?
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Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Grumpy: Charming indeed
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Whenever I’m feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits.
Today I’m writing my bosses obituary.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal