My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}