me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
This week’s mood.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
🤣🤣🤣
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)