me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
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The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?