me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Stop.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.