me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots


Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand


Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.


All my daughter ate for dinner was bread and water, so she will be prepared for a recession or a life of crime.


*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*


Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”


[Opening questions in a murder trial]

DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?





Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!


Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.


Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim