@TheHyyyype

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

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@jenniferfralic

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@somelightcrying

[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.

“Snow White?”

Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.

@andrewnotsicko

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

@huntigula

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

@QwertyJones3

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

@KandyKoehn

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

@Parkerlawyer

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

@NewDadNotes

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.