me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
You Might Also Like
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
You are not alone 💚
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”