Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.
Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.