Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.