@mom_tho

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

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@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

@AlexReekie

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

@Stablebuddy198

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

@SomeChrisTweets

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

@daemonic3

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

@simoncholland

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

@cashbonez

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

@fro_vo

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

@sonictyrant

Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?