me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”


There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends


“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”


1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!


Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]


My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.


Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious


“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four


Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?