My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?