Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.