@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

You Might Also Like

@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

@DirtMcTurd

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

@SortaBad

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

@QwertyJones3

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

@FunkyFresh_79

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

@lmwortho

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

@XOperfectmessXO

You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

@TheHyyyype

just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it’s not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit

@Mirimade

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?