Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
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My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.