THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: was your son fed?
Me: in bed on time?
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
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When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say “the baby is crowning!” and they’ll laugh and laugh
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
*walks up to IKEA return counter
*rips receipt into tiny pieces
*tells the clerk to put it together himself
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Turns out chiropractors aren’t actually dinosaurs.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside