In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.
Me: was your son fed?
Me: in bed on time?
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
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Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.