Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?


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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”


When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say “the baby is crowning!” and they’ll laugh and laugh


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.


*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself


[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.


The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over


Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside