@daddydoubts

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

You Might Also Like

@thezwickers3

In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

@CAshmanActor

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

@Eightinchgoat

The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.

@TheTweetOfGod

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

@Beesthegame

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

@whatmaddness

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

@SortaBad

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

@TheCatWhisprer

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.