Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
You Might Also Like
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.