@SirEviscerate

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

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@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@armyVet1972

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Ummโ€ฆyou sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

@Sassafrantz

DM: I’m 10 inches. Wanna chat?

Me: omg guys, a fetus just messaged me!!

@SteveKoehler22

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

@MaraWilson

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

@DoogieHorner

Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”

@AynRandy

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

@panmidwest

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species