My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
DM: I’m 10 inches. Wanna chat?
Me: omg guys, a fetus just messaged me!!
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …
and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species